Hello! Are you feeling down? Stressed out? Enlighten yourself by reading the WORST thing I have ever written. I wrote this play for my theater class at 3 am and I am so amused by how terrible it is, I thought I would share it. I wrote a real one after and edited 100 times over, so it’s all good 🙂 enjoy your day
Annie Murphy
THE101
April 26, 2016
Lemons
Prompt: The word “lemons” must be incorporated into the play three times.
A man is sitting at a coffee table alone, eating breakfast. He seems content. In walks in his wife, visibly angry.
MAN
Good morning, honey!
WOMAN
Don’t you honey me! Where were you last night?
MAN
Why, what are you talking about?
WOMAN
You know damn well what I’m talking about, William. I’m not playing around.
MAN
Sweetie, let’s not make a big deal of this.
WOMAN
WILLIAM![Visibly distraught] Why do always do this to me? I tell you not to, why can’t you listen?
MAN
Amy, I’m sorry. I just… [breaks down] I need this. You’ll never understand.
WOMAN
No, William. No. I will never understand why you abandon me every night to vendor at a fruit stand. You don’t even get paid!
MAN
Amy, people need fruit. This is my calling.
WOMAN
What?
MAN
You don’t understand me like fruit does.
WOMAN
What are you talking about? Do you not hear how weird that sounds? You are a surgeon. You save lives. You don’t need this weird hobby.
MAN
It’s not a hobby [firm] Amy. It’s a lifestyle.
WOMAN
Whatever, William.
MAN
These fruits are my babies. I come to the vending stand and they greet me. I feel at home.
WOMAN
I mean yeah William I like fruit too but it’s not like that. Â
MAN
Let me ask you, what’s your favorite fruit?
WOMAN
[Shrugs] I don’t know, I guess…. Apples?
MAN
[Laughs in disbelief. As if receiving news that his wife is a murderer] Oh my god. Apple? How can you seriously say that? I can’t believe I married you.
WOMAN
What? I said I liked apples. I like apples. What’s wrong with that?
MAN
There are so many, Amy. Grapes??? Pineapple??? WATERMELON??? Do you forget the sweet sensation of popping a sliced cantelope in your mouth? I bet you don’t. [Disgust] I bet you don’t even know what a pomegranate is. I must leave now, my fruits need me.
WOMAN
They’re not YOUR FRUITS!!!! Seriously William, I have many girlfriends and their marriage problems aren’t as petty as FRUITS.
MAN
Amy, I need to leave you
WOMAN
For whom?
MAN
For the fruits.
WOMAN
Jesus….
MAN
It’s amusing how blind you can be. Fruits are the gift from mother nature. This is my passion Amy and if you’re going to be unsupportive, I will take my business elsewhere.
WOMAN
The business of what?
MAN
This marriage.
WOMAN
William, what about the children?
[ENTER little girl and little boy]
LITTLE GIRL
Daddy!!!!
LITTLE BOY
Daddy, we missed you! Where were you?
MAN
Tending the fruits. Daddy had a rough night selling fruits. I’m so happy to see my children.
LITTLE GIRL AND LITTLE BOY
We understand! The fruits need you.
WOMAN
You’re kidding.
MAN
[To little girl and little boy] Mommy doesn’t understand that daddy has to sell his fruits
LITTLE BOY
Mommy how could you!!!
WOMAN
[Rolls her eyes] Oh brother.
MAN
Now, children. Tell me, what is YOUR favorite fruit?
LITTLE BOY
Guava!
WOMAN
You’re not serious…
MAN
That’s my boy! [Whispers something to little boy and little girl]
[Little boy and little girl both laugh hysterically]
LITTLE GIRL
Mom…. AN APPLE???? [laughs]
WOMAN
[angry] William…………
MAN
Amy, I’m going to have to take the children when I leave. They’re going to learn nothing in this household about fruits.
WOMAN
William, you are not taking my children on some weird fruit adventure.
LITTLE GIRL
How dare you say that, mommy! Fruits are what bind this family together!
WOMAN
No???
MAN
Say kids, what do you think about coming with daddy to the fruit stand tonight? Jimmy you can help work the cash register and Sally, you can make sure all the fruit is ripe!
[BOTH children react as if hearing the most exciting news they have ever received]
LITTLE GIRL AND LITTLE BOY
HOOORAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOMAN
THAT’S IT!!!! I’VE HAD IT. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD. NO BERRIES, NO BANANAS, AND LEMONS, LEMONS,I’D BE HAPPY IF I NEVER HAD A LEMON EVER AGAIN. CAN’T THIS FAMILY BE NORMAL??
[Little girl, little boy, and man are all in shock]
MAN
Well I have heard enough here. Children come with me. We are leaving.
[Man, little boy, and little girl, all leave in anger]
WOMAN
GOOD RIDDANCE! At least I still have my lovely daughter by my side, Kristy at the university! I better call her up. [Dials phone number and holds phone to her ear] Kristy! It’s mommy. Just calling to say I miss you How are you? Good? That’s good. I’m so happy to hear that. How is school, how are classes? [Beat] Well that’s good!You’re going to change your major? I thought you liked your nursing classes. [Beat] Business? [Beat, Amy begins to be frustrated] You’re going to change your major to business so you can own a fruit stand? UGHHHH.
Annemarie 