LEMONS: The Worst Thing I Have Ever Written

Hello! Are you feeling down? Stressed out? Enlighten yourself by reading the WORST thing I have ever written. I wrote this play for my theater class at 3 am and I am so amused by how terrible it is, I thought I would share it. I wrote a real one after and edited 100 times over, so it’s all good 🙂 enjoy your day

Annie Murphy

THE101

April 26, 2016

 

Lemons

Prompt: The word “lemons” must be incorporated into the play three times.

A man is sitting at a coffee table alone, eating breakfast. He seems content. In walks in his wife, visibly angry.

 

MAN

Good morning, honey!

 

WOMAN

Don’t you honey me! Where were you last night?

 

MAN

Why, what are you talking about?

 

WOMAN

You know damn well what I’m talking about, William. I’m not playing around.

 

MAN

Sweetie, let’s not make a big deal of this.

 

WOMAN

WILLIAM![Visibly distraught] Why do always do this to me? I tell you not to, why can’t you listen?

 

MAN

Amy, I’m sorry. I just… [breaks down] I need this. You’ll never understand.

 

WOMAN

No, William. No. I will never understand why you abandon me every night to vendor at a fruit stand. You don’t even get paid!

 

MAN

Amy, people need fruit. This is my calling.

 

WOMAN

What?

 

MAN

You don’t understand me like fruit does.

 

WOMAN

What are you talking about? Do you not hear how weird that sounds? You are a surgeon. You save lives. You don’t need this weird hobby.

 

MAN

It’s not a hobby [firm] Amy. It’s a lifestyle.

 

WOMAN

Whatever, William.

 

MAN

These fruits are my babies. I come to the vending stand and they greet me. I feel at home.

 

WOMAN

I mean yeah William I like fruit too but it’s not like that.  

 

MAN

Let me ask you, what’s your favorite fruit?

 

WOMAN

[Shrugs] I don’t know, I guess…. Apples?

 

MAN

[Laughs in disbelief. As if receiving news that his wife is a murderer] Oh my god. Apple? How can you seriously say that? I can’t believe I married you.

 

WOMAN

What? I said I liked apples. I like apples. What’s wrong with that?

 

MAN

There are so many, Amy. Grapes??? Pineapple??? WATERMELON??? Do you forget the sweet sensation of popping a sliced cantelope in your mouth? I bet you don’t. [Disgust] I bet you don’t even know what a pomegranate is. I must leave now, my fruits need me.

 

WOMAN

They’re not YOUR FRUITS!!!! Seriously William, I have many girlfriends and their marriage problems aren’t as petty as FRUITS.

 

MAN

Amy, I need to leave you

 

WOMAN

For whom?

 

MAN

For the fruits.

 

WOMAN

Jesus….

 

MAN

It’s amusing how blind you can be. Fruits are the gift from mother nature. This is my passion Amy and if you’re going to be unsupportive, I will take my business elsewhere.

 

WOMAN

The business of what?

 

MAN

This marriage.

 

WOMAN

William, what about the children?

 

[ENTER little girl and little boy]

 

LITTLE GIRL

Daddy!!!!

 

LITTLE BOY

Daddy, we missed you! Where were you?

 

MAN

Tending the fruits. Daddy had a rough night selling fruits. I’m so happy to see my children.

 

LITTLE GIRL AND LITTLE BOY

We understand! The fruits need you.

 

WOMAN

You’re kidding.

 

MAN

[To little girl and little boy] Mommy doesn’t understand that daddy has to sell his fruits

 

LITTLE BOY

Mommy how could you!!!

 

WOMAN

[Rolls her eyes] Oh brother.

 

MAN

Now, children. Tell me, what is YOUR favorite fruit?

 

LITTLE BOY

Guava!

 

WOMAN

You’re not serious…

 

MAN

That’s my boy! [Whispers something to little boy and little girl]

 

[Little boy and little girl both laugh hysterically]

 

LITTLE GIRL

Mom…. AN APPLE???? [laughs]

 

WOMAN

[angry] William…………

 

MAN

Amy, I’m going to have to take the children when I leave. They’re going to learn nothing in this household about fruits.

 

WOMAN

William, you are not taking my children on some weird fruit adventure.

 

LITTLE GIRL

How dare you say that, mommy! Fruits are what bind this family together!

 

WOMAN

No???

 

MAN

Say kids, what do you think about coming with daddy to the fruit stand tonight? Jimmy you can help work the cash register and Sally, you can make sure all the fruit is ripe!

 

[BOTH children react as if hearing the most exciting news they have ever received]

LITTLE GIRL AND LITTLE BOY

HOOORAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WOMAN

THAT’S IT!!!! I’VE HAD IT. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD. NO BERRIES, NO BANANAS, AND LEMONS, LEMONS,I’D BE HAPPY IF I NEVER HAD A LEMON EVER AGAIN. CAN’T THIS FAMILY BE NORMAL??

 

[Little girl, little boy, and man are all in shock]

 

MAN

Well I have heard enough here. Children come with me. We are leaving.

 

[Man, little boy, and little girl, all leave in anger]

 

WOMAN

GOOD RIDDANCE! At least I still have my lovely daughter by my side, Kristy at the university! I better call her up. [Dials phone number and holds phone to her ear] Kristy! It’s mommy. Just calling to say I miss you How are you? Good? That’s good. I’m so happy to hear that. How is school, how are classes? [Beat] Well that’s good!You’re going to change your major? I thought you liked your nursing classes. [Beat] Business? [Beat, Amy begins to be frustrated] You’re going to change your major to business so you can own a fruit stand? UGHHHH.

Gimme A Break!!!!

“So how’s school?” A question asked by every adult. Friends of my parents, parents of my friends, parents of my parents, everyone wants to know the answer. As a people-pleaser, I have found it very difficult to answer this question. I love to sugarcoat everything. I’m like the Paula Dean of information. I don’t enjoy delivering bad news, especially if it’s news concerning myself. Do I say “good” or do I answer this honestly?  “School’s not what I expected, everyone around me seems to know what’s going on while I don’t. I dread my classes. I want to drop out indefinitely. My friends and my family don’t know how to help me or what decision is best. I’m holding a big weight I wasn’t ready to carry. I feel powerless… but enough about me, how are YOU?” I felt such a stigma if I were to answer this question with anything other than “good”. What’s wrong with things being wrong?

Me and my wonderful friend Bessa 🙂

When I started my freshman year, I wasn’t ready. I’m not saying I wasn’t ready for the responsibility, but I wasn’t ready to start a college education. I am a huge dreamer but at the age of 18 all of my hopes for the future were still so abstract. Now I was expected to create a foundation and a routine to prepare myself for the future?? I wasn’t ready for that! I changed my career path roughly 10 times ranging from “therapist” to  “mooching close friend to the Kardashians.” I was still dealing with the transition well into my spring semester. I always struggled in high school. Now in college, I felt I was falling behind with everything all at once. I couldn’t juggle one task with another. I wanted to drop out because I felt where I was during that time was dampening the dreams I was still trying to decipher. I have no regrets for where I spent my freshman year but I also have no regrets towards taking time off to reflect.

Throughout my freshman year, I would ask myself “should I really be here right now?” There is nothing wrong with asking yourself this question. We are in our late teens/early 20’s. As much as we pretend we know what is going on can we be real here and admit among ourselves that we do NOT. It’s common to change your career path and your major several times. This is fine! This is normal! We still have so much growing up to do. If you are questioning your presence at school regularly, I would strongly recommend taking a break. With the money you spend on your education, you deserve to clear your head and figure out what you really need.

Rearranging my childhood room was my first task! I decided to celebrate this new phase in my life and express myself. I loved coming home to my new room.

When I was first considering a gap year, I looked up online what people do during this time. Backpack across Europe! Take a luxury cruise! Ride from Russia to Alaska on a polar bear! As much as I would like to chant with Tibetan monks on a mountain, I’m taking a gap year to save money, not spend it! It was hard to find examples. Even in my town it was hard to find someone to turn to that took time off. To me, it almost seemed to be hush-hush. My friends found it hard to understand why I was doing it, especially friends I was living with at school. They would come up with solutions for me to stay at school longer. It was hard to explain, but I had to do it! This is my journey.

When I began my time off, there were a lot of things I wish someone had told me. First, you are going to have a lot of extra time. More than ever. Think about it, you’ve been in school your whole life. This is the first time in a very very long time you don’t have pending homework. It’s not like the summer when all your friends are home to distract you. I tried to use this time by keeping busy. Say yes to everything you can. Volunteer, hang out with distant relatives (really talk with them), take up an activity you never had time for. If you’re a writer, write! If you’re a performer, perform! I wish someone told me to save my money!!!! It’s so easy to forget the purpose of your gap year. I always wanted to write in cursive so I had a notebook I would fill in every night. It gave me a task where I could see progress. When I was looking for a job, I didn’t have a routine in my day. It was so easy to fall into a trap of doing absolutely nothing. I wish someone had told me that because I wasn’t going to be busy there’d be more time to think about things. Even if these were things you didn’t want to think about. My priorities changed. I began to be absorbed in things I hadn’t had time for. It was good to experience emotions I had never felt. It wasn’t so great to harbor over things I couldn’t change. But that’s the price you pay. Good lord do you have time to THINK. In that gap year, I changed my major, my school, my favorite food, and sharpened my passion. I wish someone had told me how beneficial this year would be in my life. Although I didn’t gain party stories or new friends, I gained so much more… a new outlook on who I am in this world!

I wish I had more confidence in my decision. I lied to many people in the beginning because I was ashamed. I lied about reasons why I was home. I wish someone had told me it was okay to leave college. I felt that everyone around me was rushing and doing what they could to graduate. That’s their decision, but why? Why do we do that? If you know what you’re doing, I appreciate that. If you don’t, I understand. We spend all junior year preparing for college. We spend senior year choosing our college and celebrating our final year at high school. Once we are in college, we spend a couple months making the transition of living by ourselves for the first time. You learned how to do laundry? Good. Now figure out your career path. Now make huge decisions that might affect the rest of your life. Why at such a crucial time when we barely know who we are do we have to figure out our future? All while we are pressured by friends, family, professors and grades. I wish someone told me it’s not the end of the world to live at home after high school. I must admit it’s not perfect or easy. But, every now and then there are moments I have with my parents that are a little more friendly and a little less punishment based. I started to enjoy hanging out with them. Our relationships became very strong from the time I spent at home. I was grateful I had time with them since now that I’m back at school I’m too busy to talk with them everyday.

I treasure my wonderful friends from my freshman year. We are all in different places and different phases in our lives. I will always keep in contact with them. They visit me at school and I visit them.

In my gap year, I nannied for a wonderful family. That’s when I realized how much I love working with children. Although I didn’t go to Europe, I did eat a lot of french fries so I’m sure that counts for going to France or something. I was able to take two road trips with a close friend. Instead of going abroad, I explored my area and the surrounding towns. I have found so many hidden gems! I promise you haven’t been everywhere around your home. And oh! The nature walks! There are so many reservations to choose from. I miss having the time to go on my nature walks.

I realized I had so much time to think, I was ready to go back to class. Now I appreciate the homework I am given. My classes seem more interesting and my professors more engaging. It doesn’t seem like an obligation as much anymore because it was my choice to go back to school. I also know what it’s like to not have homework over an extended period of time. The negative parts of school are more tolerable. I’ve learned to truly appreciate it. I am still close with my friends from my first school. They were an important part of my life and share with me wonderful memories.

To anyone that’s deciding to take a year off, know that I support you. I know why you are making this decision. Know that you are not alone. If you don’t feel a calling to go back to school, know that’s normal too. If there is a passion calling to you, driving your motivation, you are a very lucky person. Listen to it calling to you! Just know, there are many of us. Here’s to all the transfers! Here’s to all the major changers! To all the people that stopped what they were doing when they realized they were unhappy. This is your life. You go at your own flow. I love you, I am here for you, and I am proud of you. And even if you don’t know me, know that if you were to message me about this I would be more than happy to talk. 🙂

My Cash Cab Therapist

Sometimes it’s a great feeling to have a thought and then release it into the abyss of the internet. I realized that the only person who wants to hear about the nonsense in the depths of my brain is me. As much as I wanted to release all this babble, I realized few would care to hear it. The solution was to save everyone the trouble by creating a private twitter account where I follow no one and no one follows me. It’s my diary 140 characters at a time. I promise you are not missing anything, these tweets are often similar to Kanye West’s recent banter. (Is he okay, by the way? Genuinely concerned. I’ve tweeted about this.) Meaning, there is a statement with absolutely no context that starts off powerful then trails off. Here is an example:

“YOU’RE GONNA COME UP TO ME AND STEP UP MY GAME….”

What am I talking about? I don’t even recall. This account is for me. Hidden among many of my secret confessions, sometimes I rant about food. There was a very intense list I created for my top 5 favorite cheeses. I promise you aren’t missing anything. I kept this secret, no one knew. This was my cyber journal that I shared with no one until one day. I have only ever received one follow request and I have only confirmed one follow request. I approved because this was not a random spam account, but a friendly face. It was as if I rubbed the magic lamp and he summoned, my cash cab therapist.

The only person who has access to my private thoughts is Ben Bailey, comedian actor and host of several shows including Discovery Channel’s Cash Cab. I do not understand why this happened. I am not questioning anything. I love this. The only person to have full access to my deepest darkest confessions is Ben Bailey. Meaning, if the question “what zodiac sign does Annie actually feel she is?” were asked on the gameshow, the only one to know the truth is the person asking it. Are you going to learn what hairstyle I want from a street shoutout? Are you going to find out my girl celebrity crush from calling your Harvard alumni friend? No. The answer is right in front of you, literally, in the driver’s seat.

Congrats, Annie! You are the only guest to successfully answer every question about yourself right!

He’s a renaissance man with the talents of calculating the streets of not only Manhattan, but also my brain. The questioner holds all the answers. I watch this show so differently now, I don’t see a host. I see a mentor, a confidant, a friend. Some go to confession, I turn to my favorite cable hosted game show. Ben Bailey holds the answers. Don’t change, Ben. Also don’t unfollow me.

 

 

 

 

Bushmill Rocks???

I am not an actor. I would love to be. I’ve tried to be. Although I am tight with my drama groups in college and high school, I am not an actor. It hasn’t gone well for me. Theater majors don’t have to be actors! Right?… However, I LOVE taking part in improvisation, comedy, standup, and characters. It’s different. You don’t have to know what you will say. I like that. The repetition and the over thinking causes me to psych myself out. I will share some of my absolute favorite horror stories involving my experience with acting. Enjoy.

• In fourth grade I was in the production Pete’s Dragon. While delivering my line, I decided the best thing to do in the current situation was to bend down and tie my shoe.
• I was cast as the goose in Charlotte’s Web in 5th grade. The script told me to hug my “husband”. I was NOT okay with it. Instead of putting up with it, I emailed my director from my mother’s account. My director received a poorly spelled letter and in time found out it was me. I got into trouble.
• During a production in 9th grade, I had a terrible terrible cold. I was in The Sound Of Music as a nun. We were singing in a giant group in the convent scene and I had a cough I could feel building up in my throat. Instead of keeping it down I coughed in the back of the hair of the girl in front of me. She did NOT find it funny.
• While auditioning for a musical, the pianist said my range was “G flat.” (I still don’t know if that’s good or bad but I can only assume.) I instinctively said “How did you figure out my bra size??” Crickets.
• I was once not aware how dramatic my comedic monologue was so during an audition I made one up on the spot. I did not receive a callback for this show.
• At an audition another year, the same pianist asked “how would you like me to play?” I didn’t understand the question and said “sitting down.” Chirp chirp.
• My one true role in high school was in a production called “The Farnsworth Invention.” I was cast as “friend of man #1.” I was envious of my friend who was given the role of “man #1”. I was jealous of man#1. That is all.
• That same very show I was also given the role of the bartender. This was the most titled character that I would ever receive in my high school career. I did a lot of research for this role. A shampoo bottle told me that “good waiters and waitresses make body contact with their customers”. I went out of my way to touch the lead in any way I could during the performance. While visiting Amherst on a school tour, I DEMANDED my parents to let me sit at the bar of a restaurant to observe the bartender’s mannerisms. I had one line. “Bushmill rocks?” I repeated this line to myself 100 times a day. I asked the bartender at the restaurant how he would offer this drink, and how he would ask someone if they wanted Bushmill rocks. He said that you call it bushmill on the rocks. I fought hard and delivered the line while knowing that it was incorrect. Had to stay true to my character, the touchy, incorrect bartender. This is method acting, people. There is a STORE BOUGHT version of The Farnsworth Invention on my bookshelf. There is one line highlighted. It says “bushmill rocks?”
• As an ensemble member, I would have full on conversations on stage. Most of the time, these comments would have nothing to do with the show. It would often times be a one sided conversation where I was making comments and the person would respond with “you shouldn’t be talking to me, we are onstage.” Some people can be too professional.
• As an ensemble member, I would FREQUENTLY upstage because I felt I wasn’t getting enough attention. I would fake fights, reenact eating something really gross, or dramatically drop something. 
• While doing scene work with a friend at a master class, I was requested to not use my hands while I was talking at all. This was a request eleven times.
• While at an audition, a director once told me “I like your skirt!” That was my only note.
• During a dramatic reading of a MURDER CONFESSION, three different people laughed.

First Impression

The time is 10:20. I have a 4o minute time crunch to get to my 10:50 class. You’d be surprised how speedy I can shrink the ETA on my GPS. What is an estimated time of arrival but a mere suggestion? Of course I will make it to my 10:50 class, but I HAVE to get a Venti coffee with an extra shot of expresso. Must. Need. I pull up to the drive through and shout my order in somewhat of a rush. I’m always in a rush.

I roll up to the window. 10:25. My 2007 dodge caravan screeches to a halt. I can make this. The barista- or baristo should I say hands me my baby. I will nurture and nurse her and her sweet vanilla nectar. He says “Hey there. That’ll be 4.75.” I feel around my big bag with embroidered suns with zen facial expressions on the outside. 10:22… It’s hard to find my cards sometimes because of all the dirty wrinkled tips and dollar bills. I hand him my card. He swipes. “Looks like that’s declined.” I heave an inevitable sigh and dig through zen bag for more cash. This isn’t my first time at the rodeo. I’ve had so many declined cards it’s not even an embarrassment anymore. I skip the first awkward chuckle reaction and get right down to business. “You know, if you can’t find any money, I would be happy to cover this for you.” “NO DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.” I say nonchalantly. I realize I am shouting. 10:24….

“No, no I’m serious. You come here a lot. I mean a lot. We see you a lot.” He is leaning over the window and smiling. His hands are touching my car. He is sweet. “What’s your name? Let me pay for your drink.” “ANNIE.” I yell as I pull out 12 one-dollar bills. One flies onto the wet ground. “THAT CAN BE FOR SOMEONE ELSE. THAT’S ON ME. WE’LL LEAVE THAT.” He shifts his eyes and laughs. “Well, if I can’t pay for your drink, another time then. You took out way too much money. I will give you some of these back.” He hands me a wrinkled pile and wipes his hand on his apron, still smiling. “Don’t question what I do during my night job. Like, why I have so many ones.” I say, winking. *oooh yikes why did I just wink and joke about being a stripper* 10:25… He giggles and says “Well, I hope I see you again.” I respond with “no, spending money on coffee is the reason why my card got declined. HAHAHAHAH!” We exchange goodbyes and I speed away.

I thought about that conversation immediately after. Wait a second…. was that flirting? Was he flirting? What the hell was I doing? That was not flirting on my part. Oh my god… why didn’t this occur to me? I should have read that body language. I checked out a book on body language once. I mean I never read it, people get busy but it DID say that leaning forward during convo shows interest. He smiled, engaged eye contact, offered several times to pay for my drink… Oh. Woops! As I shoot down 128 south I think over what I should have done. I don’t read into these situations well. I was being 100% me. That’s when I realized at 10:48 as I approach campus. (What can I say I am a god) I’ll still have my 8 minute walk to my building, but I pay full attention so that compensates I’m sure.

I just completely showed someone the essence of me. I was late, loud, showed how terrible I am with money, and I cracked inappropriate jokes. But I changed nothing, I was brutally honest and open. I am a handful of a person. People should just know that! I am not a quiet presence and I don’t hold back. I almost feel lucky how blind I am to flirting. If I were aware, I would act differently. Who needs that? You my friend, Mr Baristo, deserve the whole show. If you’re gonna like me, you will have to like ALL of me. Figured I’d jot this down for myself before my 1:30 class, it’s currently 1:24. Never ends. But this is a nice reminder! I never want to tone myself down. I’ll go back to Starbucks tomorrow or the next day… who knows? Maybe I’ll find that dollar bill on the ground. I’ll have to dance to receive it. Just another day. 1:28.

National food holidays are RUDE.

This is a rant. I am not going to check my grammar. If you have an issue with grammar, you best close this window right now. The quality of this rant would receive a low score if it were a 3rd grade MCAS writing prompt. Why? Because I am PEEVED.

The other day, someone asked me if I was celebrating “national donut day.” Which is of course a very valid question, I love donuts. But I wasn’t aware I had to make a DAY out of my love of donuts. I was in a bagel mood that morning. This was a weird concern placed in my head. Because I had made a quick trip to Dunks for my pick me up of a toasted almond iced coffee, I almost felt bad for a second for not ordering a donut. Because apparently I was supposed to honor this deep fried pastry on THIS particular day.

Another day, as I was innocently googling images of Michelle Obama’s arms, the database informed me that it was not only national pancake day but also national pizza day. I closed the window of those beautifully powerful arms and dug into some articles about national food days.  Not only did I find several inconsistent declarations of holidays, but I also found the most RANDOM days. February 4th is national stuffed mushroom day. August 26th is national cherry popsicle day. How did you and your family celebrate national chocolate covered cashews day (April 21)?????

You know what? I do not like this. Don’t get me wrong, I love these foods and I of course do my best to honor them often. But, I will NOT honor these bullshit holidays. If an entire civilization of Mayans can screw up a calendar, then I do not trust some tech savvy millennial with a wide arrangement of foods in their head. FIRST OFF, there are some foods that don’t have a day, there are some bomb foods that have to share a day. Then there are some foods that I’ll be honest have a day and are not worthy of one (national “liver and onions day”????? CMON PEOPLE). If I want to eat a hamburger but it’s national chicken fingers day, I am going to eat a hamburger. A CALENDAR DOES NOT TELL ME WHAT TO EAT. ANNIE TELLS ME WHAT TO EAT.

I’m not sure what riles me up the most, perhaps I’ve had too much wine. (OH NO NATIONAL “DRINK WINE” DAY IS TOMORROW NOT TODAY!!! OH DEARY ME! I AM ASHAMED) But it bothers me when people give in to this status quo of (very very hard quotations here…) “national” food holidays. No one can tell you when you can enjoy certain foods. DO NOT RESPECT NATIONAL FOOD DAYS. I have a wonderful relationship with my favorite foods, and I do not enjoy anyone questioning that. They all get equal amounts of attention and love. BUT IT’S ON MY OWN TERMS. I refuse to take part in these stupid days. We are all very happy and that deserves no questioning. THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT. End of rant.

Fastest Sperm???

It was a rainy, muggy Tuesday afternoon. I sat in a dreary, dark dorm room starting at my 8th episode of Bob’s Burgers. My friend had returned from a trip to CVS where she spent a wrinkly 20 dollar bill on a family size bag of sour cream and onion Lays. I was responsible for the dollar in question. I sent her on a very pathetic mission to grab my brunch/dinner and spend the remainder on whatever she wished for making the trip. She had quite possibly been in my room for a total of ten minutes, long enough to witness me inhale an entire bag. I was struggling to sit up since all my pillows had been hurled across the room in attempt to shut the door. That’s when the thought occurred: How on EARTH was I the fastest sperm????

There are a lot of issues I have with how I’ve managed to become an able bodied adult. I can promise you that if you took a survey on physical activity in a retirement home and added mine to the mix I wouldn’t even be in the top ten. So how out of roughly 250 million cells did I manage to do something right? I am always late, easily distracted, and always lost. I’d like to think that I was competing against a plethora of reality TV stars, potential Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants, WWE fighters, WWE watchers, and people that say “Yello” when they answer the phone. It’s the only way.

There’s really no other logic to it, I can certainly say I wasn’t the fastest. My 7th grade mile run time was 15:00. That was slimmed down from an alarming 30:00 the year before. Don’t ask any questions, I refuse to answer. Not only am I slow, I’m always late. I once showed up to a friend’s house 6 hours after I said I would be there. It’s never meant to be rude, I just deal with a great amount of sidetracks. I once saw a really interesting cat on the side of the road, pulled over and followed it around the woods for a beautiful thirty minutes. Many distractions will pop up from point a to point b. My friends have come to tolerate this. I also am taking actions to avoid being late, I just haven’t had any luck buying horse blinders. It’s miraculous that I made it to the right egg at the right time.

I will take the wrong highway, show up to the wrong town, or pull over to even find out if I am going the right way. I am confident that sperm cell me stopped what I was doing and repeated the same sentence over and over again in yells to Siri.    -“Where are the fallopian tubes.” -“I’m sorry, I didn’t find anything in your iTunes Library by the Flapping Tunes.” -“Ugh. Siri. Where are the fallopian tubes.” – “Philippians is the eleventh book in the new testament.” – “WHERE ARE THE FALLOPIAN TUBES.” – “Hm, I’m not sure what you mean. Now Googling: Filipino Jews.” -“FORGET IT I’LL FIND IT MYSELF.”

It would make sense if maybe weeks and weeks after I was just hanging around and, after avoiding the blood bath of my people killing each other off in this competitive race, I finally find the right place in a post-apocalyptic style. This is the only logical explanation I can come up with to help me understand how I came to be the accomplished, well organized, and timely human being that I am today.

Hottest Outfits for College Students!

Lately, I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on my outfits. Especially the outfits that I wear to class. People say, “Annie, YOU are quite the fashionista! What’s your secret??” The secret is simple, I selectively match tops and bottoms together. Sometimes it takes hours! Humbly put, I must have a very natural sense of fashion. Usually I just trust my instincts and go with it! I decided to lend a helping hand to the “fashion impaired” by capturing the essence of the classic college student outfit. I carefully selected my favorites and chose wisely. They’re super easy to throw together, and these are outfits I generally wear to class! Enjoy 🙂

First and foremost, wear a facial expression that says DON’T TALK TO ME. 

 

When putting outfits together, I usually channel my inner “had to drop my kids off at school because they missed the damn bus again. I have to send an email to the bus company because the freaking driver goes too fast on freaking road and never stops at my house, anyways I gotta grab some deli meats at the market. No rest for the wicked, huh Kathy? ” look

 

Mismatched plaid is an absolute MUST this season! All the hottest stars are rocking this trend. I topped this cute outfit with a bun at the top, a simple ‘do for on the go. Be sure to miss a significant amount of hair chunks. It helps to surround yourself with friends that don’t call out details like this. A helpful tip is to not check yourself in the mirror all day either so you won’t notice how stupid you looked and how NOBODY said anything. 

Here’s a fun look to rock! I love to rebel against fashion rules, this is an example of mix and matching outdoor wear. I absolutely love this look, and I usually pair it with sweatpants that are humorously too large for me. Am I wearing shoes? You’ll never know. My fashion guru mentor is Mr. Tumnus. The illusion that my legs continue into my feet is something I constantly strive for. Cloven hooves for the win!

 

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a boy? It’s a girl? Impress/ confuse your friends and strangers with this MUST HAVE look of the season. Keep everyone guessing and hide all prominent features that would define your gender! This look is one of my favorites. Bra/ makeup/ deodorant optional.

 

Girl’s gotta accessorize! Complete the look with a hot pair of mismatched socks.

 

Finish it off with some makeup!!!! I usually wear the liner I couldn’t properly scrub off from the night before. Watch the tutorial for more details!

 

Other favorites: yoga pants with holes by the crotch area. Do I do a lot of thigh rubbing while I walk or is there a perverted ghost with a pair of scissors on the loose? The world may never know.

Chipped nails! I love the look of a dark color that got eaten away by anxiety or boredom.

Repeated outfit from the day/ night before. Who says you can’t love an outfit twice in one week?? I don’t say that! Spritz on some febreze and it’ll look as good as new (yesterday).

Shirts from middle school that still surprisingly fit, or DON’T. The scene between Jack and Rose is happening with the buttons of my shirt. They’re saying “we’ll never let go!” And I can see how hard they fight to stay together. Makes me weepy.

Last but not least, EVERYTHING looks better with safety pins holding it together.

Hope I could be of some assistance! See you at fashion week

Rush Hour Crush Hour

You’d be surprised how much anger can be packed into a 5’3” body. I’m convinced I was supposed to be taller because there simply isn’t enough room for all this anger. Perhaps small people are so feisty to compensate for their frame. Ever since I started driving long distance every day, I’ve learned that there’s a lot to be angry about. You could be the smartest person in the world but if you’re a bad driver, you’re stupid. I don’t care if you have a PhD or an MD, if you didn’t use your blinker you’re stupid. If you got a 2400 on your SAT but you’re in a lane you shouldn’t be in you’re stupid. You could be the greatest person in the world but rules go out the window when you’re driving. I can say that with all confidence because I was once cut off by a nun on 128. I was too impressed to be mad.

Tip: Instead of using your middle finger at a driver that cut you off, wave. It’s really weird. 

It amazes me how quickly I turn into a foul mouthed hot head behind the wheel. There was a day where absolutely nothing was going right for me. I was supposed to get results back from an important exam, I was in a really bad fight with my friend, I had dropped my apple in the toilet, and some jerk faced oaf was riding my bumper. I don’t know who was driving that car but I could feel my anger transition from the day I had onto this specific driver behind me. All of a sudden, I forgot why I was stressed out or angry simply because I had put all my energy on finding a good insult word for this person. In that moment, I was able to forget my friend, my emails, and my apple. That’s when I realized that driving was the best therapy for me.

Annie’s magical list of insults

• Jerkface (classic)
• Douchelord
• Turdmuncher
• Ass taxi
• Tool
• Douche pants
• Ding bat
• Bozo
• Cocksucker
• Lardass
• Gladys, Edith, or Ethel (usually I use this for old ladies behind the wheel. I just drop the name in the most condescending way possible. ex. Nice move, EDITH.)

It is so much better to forget everything that’s bothering me for a bit and blame it on people in their cars. People that I can’t even see and will never run into again. The best part about that is there are SO many people on the road that are easy targets. I live in the somewhat relevant part of Massachusetts, EVERY ONE is an idiot on the road. Seriously.

Reasons why you might be an IDIOT:

• You didn’t use your blinker
• You’re going too fast/too slow for the lane
• You’re staring at me at a red light (I don’t care if you’re 8 and I don’t care if I’m eating a 12 inch sub. Stop staring!)
• You’re riding my butt
• You’ve got your dog on your lap while you’re driving
• You speed up in a merging lane when I wasn’t even going that slow (UGH.)
• You break too suddenly
• Your high beams are on either behind me or on the opposite side of the road
• You spit your gum out and it hits a man on a bike (This isn’t really a reason I’d call you an idiot I just want to feel around and see if it’s happened to anyone else)
• You honk at me when it’s not called for
• You’re on a country music radio station and I can hear it
• You took up two different spots in the parking lot
• You take up too much space when you’re trying to turn and I need to go straight
• You drive a Kia Soul (YOU ARE AN IDIOT)

In life one of the most humbling and calming thought you can possibly have is that you can’t fight everything as much as you’d like to. Sometimes it’s just best to be aware of the reality of what’s going on and know that there’s nothing you can do to change it. In every day situations, I do not do that. I am a pistol that will fight with anyone and everyone that disagrees with me. I thought about how I wanted to email the exam company and tell them they’re wrong for being late. I wanted to call my friend and tell him he’s stupid for being mad at me. I wanted to yell at myself for eating an apple on the toilet in the first place. But behind the wheel, I remember. We are all in cars, we are all going in the same directions, some more aggressively than others. I can absolutely hate that I’m stuck somewhere and I have to be somewhere else in negative ten minutes. I can hate that person in front of me in the white cadillac going 20 in the 50 lane. But hating isn’t going to get anything to change. This is the current situation I’m in and I can’t even try to change it. I would also much rather yell at strangers when they can’t hear me than yell at people important to me that are making me mad.

The scarier the ride the better I feel when I get somewhere safe. I’ve had to go on the highway with a 2005 ford taurus at night with incredibly dim headlights and slow breaks in the snow. I thought of nothing more than getting to where I needed to be. Driving is a wonderful way to clear my mind of petty issues in my everyday routine that tip me over.

Instead, I put my phone on airplane mode, shove it in my glove compartment and I sing. I am banned from my harmonies in several places. This is because they are always too loud and slightly off. I don’t care, I love to sing. In my car, I can sing and swear and scream all I want and no one can stop me. I can cover both the Will.I.Am and the Fergie parts in fergalicious. I can’t even describe the euphoric feeling that takes over when you spit out an Eminem verse without flaws while whipping your minivan around a corner. It’s incredible. I feel absolutely amazing when I remind myself that everyone is an idiot. I highly recommend it. 

Silence is NOT golden!

About a few weeks ago, I agreed to hang out with a friend. After getting dressed for our hangout, I asked her what time we should meet up. I received no response. From that lack of response, I was to assume that our plans had been cancelled. Right after the casual acknowledgement as to why our plans had been cancelled the next day, she continued to invest in our in text conversation.  Unfortunately, it happens in this day in age that a text conversation is more valuable than time spent together. Unbeknownst to me, this is a normal way to go about plans. Sometimes no response means “no”. But what happened to a simple “sorry I can’t do today”? Our generation has created a norm out of things like this. Why? It’s not like in person you blatantly walk away from someone mid convo. Why is all of our communication greatly stressed on how we choose to use our mobile devices?

The truth is, there are several reasons why we are so absorbed in text or other mobile based communication. One of the main reasons is simply that it’s easier. A text conversation is easier than one in person because we control when we want to respond. If we don’t like where something is going we can just drop it. It’s easier to be honest and open when we’re sending our thoughts out to a screen as opposed to saying it to someone’s face. It’s easier to shut off our phones if we’ve had enough of a person for a day without seeing it through. It’s easier to be in our homes or beds than to go out with someone and sit and chat. What’s easy is seeing our own reasoning when it comes to nixing a convo or continuing a convo instead of seeing what that may do to the other person. Do we think about someone reading our long ass texts? Do we think about what goes on in someone else’s head when they know we are ignoring them? We don’t get to see the product. It’s far easier for to us shut the phones off and avoid someone than resolving problems in person. What we are lacking from this contact is basic social skills. I can give you a number of times I’ve “hung out” with someone while they’re constructing half assed sentences to me while simultaneously texting someone else about something else. What do they do when they hang out with that person? Text me? “Hung out” is in quotations because I don’t consider that hanging out. Hanging out is being 100% present with a person. Not texting someone in North Carolina about the latest Pretty Little Liars episode, not checking snapchat stories of a party you aren’t at. For all you know that party might not even be fun. The person posting that story is on their phone. You’re not 100% with a friend because you’re looking at a post from someone that also isn’t 100% with other people. I want to vibe with you in a fully invested conversation. Eye contact is important. Body language is important! Tone of voice is important. The ability to pick up on sarcasm and uncomfortability is so so important. I’m all up for the awkward pauses and moments,that’s a normal part of conversation. That’s learning who you are and your boundaries, space, and aura. That’s apart of being a human! If I appreciate your presence and you appreciate mine that’s all that matters. How opposing is it that you might be mad at someone for ignoring your texts all while you aren’t connecting with those around you. Those text conversations can wait. The majority of the boring snapchat stories you absolutely have to see will still be there in an hour or two. Promise.

To be fair, the stress of mobile conversations is far too gratuitous in friendships and relationships. I once had a friend declare her type of guy is someone that can quickly respond to a text. That’s a horrific thought when you consider the amount of relationships you would miss out on. Perhaps someone doesn’t check their phone often because they have a serious job, an interesting hobby, or sport they’re absorbed in. Maybe they’re spiritual and often connect with nature more than their phone. Maybe they’re a method actor and are currently very involved in the physical transformation they have to make in order to fight a bear in their next movie. (Talking to you Leo…) It might be a learning experience to be with a person that’s not constantly glued to their phone. I’ve seen an alarming amount of relationships put stress on text based communication. Sometimes this is an ending factor to the relationship. To me, that is very sad. If two people can get along so beautifully in person why not keep it that way. Texting and social media never used to be an option or such an obligation in a relationship and sometimes it’s healthier without that strain. However, if you’re choosing to hash out an argument via text, I understand why you choose that, because it’s easier. But I do not respect it. The ways of a conversation would go so differently in person. There are a thousand ways to misread or misinterpret something. If you’re in a heated discussion and you have a thousand things to say, do it in person. If you choose to ignore someone to get your point across, congratulations. You have chosen not only the most efficient way to handle an argument, but you have also chosen the most cowardly way as well. I’d advise you to bite the bullet. You could really be hurting someone. 

Why is it so important? Why choose a conversation over text when in person could be an option? We miss out on experiencing what our words do to other people. It’s far more significant to see what specifically would hurt someone, what might make them laugh. Instead we ship out our inner thoughts to one another in a giant cloud of words and that’s our preference. I’m learning to get used to it, millennials. But if we’re going to embrace this as our regular form of communication, then for heaven’s sake let’s not undermine the laws of basic social skills! Be courteous. Try not to abuse nor neglect your communication in spurts. Be consistent! Follow rules as you would do so in person, maybe shoot out a text that you’re busy at the moment and imply when you won’t be. Maybe tell someone when you have to stop texting or when you have to go to bed. And please, oh please if you make plans with your friend and change your mind or schedule, let them know. 🙂